this feels silly.

Last summer, when I was planning our wedding, my mom warned me of wedding withdrawals. She said that after the wedding, I might feel sad that the planning process is over, sad that real life has to set in, and sad that what a lot of people refer to as "the best day of my life," will be in the past. So I geared up, braced myself for the wedding withdrawals and decided to focus on what a fun process the whole thing was, and what great adventures Landon and I would have ahead of us. But, the withdrawals never came. Somehow, I was able to let that day remain that day. Just a day. A great one, but still just a day.

I had gorgeous photos, handmade keepsakes, a beautiful dress (made by my mom) and video footage to remember the day by, and I felt good with that. I could let it be part of my history without being sad that it was over. Until last week, when I discovered that the only copy of our wedding video footage was in one of the bags that was stolen from our car last month. 

It's silly, yes, but the wedding withdrawals hit big time with this discovery. I had only watched the rough footage three times or so, and I was planning to edit it together for our one-year anniversary coming up. And for some reason, it's been so hard to let it go. Because it means I can't hear my dad's message to Landon and I again. And I can't laugh hysterically at Jordi's best man speech. And I can't cry at the moment when Jen gave me Mr. Toastee. And I can't hear Coach Arvin praying that we would run the race in such a way as to get the prize. I can't watch us dance, laugh, or cry ever again.  I guess I always thought I could have those moments back, which is probably why I didn't have the wedding withdrawals. I think somewhere inside I was thinking, I can just relive it whenever I want.

So this is a good lesson for me, albeit a difficult one: to live with the urgency that moments are not rewind-able. Because I don't think life isn't intended to be relived, as much as I wish I could relive those moments. But we all know that this is no fairytale, and I don't wear that nice of a dress everyday, and I certainly don't do an up-do for work. It was just that day.

And so I'm trying, seriously trying to remind myself that it's just stuff. It was just a day, and barring a major brain injury, I probably won't forget about it anytime soon. Some people say that their wedding day was the best day of their life, but to be honest, I don't want to be limited by that, because I think there are a lot of great ones ahead of me that I hope I capture not just with film, but with presence.

xoxo.