cherries and change.

my friend brenda and i on my last day at the warehouse

disclaimer: it's a long one.
sometimes i think my life is boring. sometimes i think my situation is easy. sometimes i think it's hard. and other times i just float along, without considering where i'm going, or if i'm going anywhere at all. maybe it's because my days are run by the numbers "8" and "4:30". maybe it's because i spend 60 minutes a day in my car, wondering if i can get by another day going 10 over the speed limit, so that maybe today it will only be 55 minutes. maybe it's because sometimes the hardest part of my day is trying not to get a paper cut [and i do hate paper cuts, so i try pretty hard]. maybe it's because the past four years were filled with beautiful, refreshing moments that feel so far away now. but sometimes i forget how those four years began. and i think it's high time i remember where i came from...

a little over four years ago, i was in my one and only post-high school, pre-college summer and feeling bits of the way i feel now. i was 18, and both sad that four years of beautiful memories were over, and scared to death of what the next four would bring. i found myself in central washington for much of the summer, where i had planned to live with my grandparents and pack cherries for a local orchard [pack not pick, that's a point of confusion for some] to make some money before i moved to san diego for college. all went according to plan, except the cherry-packing. turns out i packed cherries for 12-14 hours, 5-6 days a week that summer. what i had envisioned as being a romantic, sun-kissed summer [picture me running through long-grassed meadows with a ruffly sundress and light piano soundtrack] turned out to be, well, not what i envisioned. 

i woke up at 4:40am and was out the door by 5:20 every morning to get to the warehouse by 6. the warehouse was freezing [i guess fruit needs to be kept cold? who knew?], LOUD [as in, state-mandated ear plugs for all] and lonely. i will give credit to the wonderful women who made and effort to get to know me, which was a difficult task considering the noise and ear plugs and all. one even asked if was dating anyone, and i learned that i should have lied and said no after she pointed me out to a one Captain Awkward who followed me around, stared often, and mispronounced my name for the rest of the summer. other highlights include having to work on the fourth of july, sobbing to my mom just about every night, and reminding myself daily that i had just made the worst mistake of my life.

from one of my many, beautiful runs on the canal in Wenatchee

what was really going on is that i was being stripped of the very things i clung to: predictability, consistent relationships, comfort, and culture. and guess what that resulted in? change. a change in perspective and a change in attitude. the morning sunsets were the most beautiful part of my day, and i began to thank God for them on my way to work each morning. when i got off work, i tried to keep one eye on the road and one eye on the sunset over the Wenatchee river, which is breathtaking. i became increasingly grateful for my grandparents, who graciously allowed me to stay with them, and had dinner ready for me every night when i got home at 8pm. i had to make the most of the small, beautiful moments i had because i knew they had to last me 14 hours in the warehouse. i started praying for my family and friends at 5pm each night at work, taking 2 minutes per person and praying for the first 30 people i thought of. i ended my run at the park each night and spent 5 minutes on the swing listening to india.arie's india'song and taking deep breaths. stripped of everything i found comfort in, i began to marvel over what i did have. i still had a wonderful family, beautiful surroundings and a future. 

as all things do, that summer ended. and the next four years were filled with even more beautiful, meaningful moments than the last. now, 8 months past graduation, i find myself feeling the same things i felt that summer packing cherries. this is nothing like college. i'm not surrounded by my best friends all the time [except landon, and i'm so very blessed to have him near], i don't have a written workout plan to follow everyday, and i don't get to worship monday, wednesday and friday from 9:45-10:30am [and i thought i would never miss chapel]. i don't have the sun shining on me as i walk to class, instead i have rain on my way to work. i think i'm at that transition point. that spot where i miss the past, but am worried that the future can't possibly have as many great moments. i've been stripped of the things that were predictable, and it's time to find the beauty in that. my drive to work is beautiful, and, for crying out loud, i have a job. that's a blessing in itself. and, most importantly, i still have a wonderful family, beautiful surroundings and a future.

the song above [marvel by strangers and pilgrims] has been a good reminder for me that the God who created me also marvels over me. and so why should i be discouraged with the gifts he's given me? rather, i'm trying to be a bit more of a marvel-er myself. here's to change.

xoxo.