Saturdays, for me, are quiet. Very, very quiet. Most (not all) Saturdays, Landon has cross country or track meets that are three or four hours away. He typically leaves on Friday afternoons and gets back very late on Saturday nights. So that leaves just Spur and I home on Saturdays. I usually take the day as an opportunity to go through my weekend rituals, like cleaning the house, planning my meals, and planning my outfits for the week (I know what you're thinking--outfits?!? That sounds so superficial, does it not? It honestly makes me a much happier person in the mornings throughout the week). And, being the task-oriented-planner-and-introvert-who-loves-predictability that I am, I've come to enjoy these very quiet but very productive Saturdays.
Lately, though, they've brought with them just a twinge of loneliness. And a hint of worry. And an ounce of fear.
The beginnings of a very terrible combination.
Landon and I are in a pretty uncertain place right now. Where will we be living in 6 months? What will Landon do after graduation? When will we start having kids?
And so on these very quiet Saturdays, giving in to the overwhelming sense of uncertainty is really tempting. For me, giving in to that temptation means worrying about something before it's happened, daydreaming about a possibility before God has revealed his plan, and being fearful of what people might think of us depending on the outcome. These are silly thoughts, but they are not harmless.
And so I'm writing this now almost as a bit of accountability. To get it out there that this is a struggle for me, and to take a stand in my own heart and mind to refuse to let loneliness, worry, and fear take up residence in my life. Because not only are those thoughts selfish, they're destructive. And by dwelling on what might be negative about my situation, I'm actually saying that I don't believe God can overcome it. Every time I try to take control by worry or selfish ambition, I'm ripping my story away from Him and saying, "Here, God, let me have a go at this, I think I can do it better."
I don't want to know the depths of grief that choosing that kind of path will take me. And while choosing to walk daily with God is a challenge every moment, I can rest in knowing that no uncertainty is too big for Him to know, and no Saturday is too quiet for Him to speak.
xoxo.
4 comments:
Thanks for sharing! I feel this, too, as I'm in the middle of an internship that's not going to last forever yet makes me so happy. I worry that whatever comes after could not possibly be as awesome. And then there's the whole when/how are we going to move to Japan. I think it's a fine line to walk, because to some extent, we are responsible for making plans for the future, and then letting God determine the precise steps. You know?
Marabeth--I agree, it's definitely a fine line between delighting in the possibilities that God might provide while also doing the work to prepare for His plan, but being careful to not let worry or fear creep in. Hope you and Ian are doing well--we miss you guys a lot! Xo, Katie
I remember our first year of marriage, our work schedules were opposite so he'd work & I'd be alone almost every night. it was definitely an uncertain time. luckily, we've blessed over the years with great timing from God- all questions are answered at the right time. 3 1/2 years in, we still don't have things answered, but we know now to be patient & it'll come.
thanks for sharing!
Such thoughtful writing, Katie. I will be praying for you and Landon. I am assured that God has nothing but a great and glorious present and future for you both. All in all, God is merciful and loving.
Love you two!
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